What makes us unhappy in relationships?
When we take a job, the first thing we do is clarify the schedule, the salary and the conditions. But when it comes to relationships, we often do not discuss our wishes and expectations at all.
As a result, we either agree to something that fundamentally does not suit us, or stay silent and hope things will somehow work out.
Most often we suffer from two things: unspoken expectations and illusions about a partner. It is important to tell them apart.
The problem is silence1. Unspoken expectations
You are sure your partner “should just know” what matters to you. But they cannot read minds. You build up irritation and resentment at not being understood, while they have no idea what is wrong.
For example:
- you would like to spend more time together, but you stay silent and wait for them to suggest it;
- you dream of travelling together, and they do not even know;
- you are tired and wait for your partner to notice and support you the way you need.
2. Illusions about a partner
Sometimes you meet a person whose values do not suit you, and hope this will change over time. You have different views on money, family or leisure.
For example:
- he says he does not want children, while you are thinking about starting a family;
- he sees no point in marriage, and for you it matters;
- he lives beyond his means and does not plan to change that, while you value stability.
You notice this, but think: “He will change with me” or “Once we move in together, everything will be different”. This is how the expectation that your partner will become someone else appears.
What is the difference, and what to do about it?
In the first case the problem is a lack of communication. This can be solved: you can talk it through, hear each other and reach a compromise.
In the second case the problem is a mismatch of values. Here it is important to ask yourself honestly:
“Am I ready to be in a relationship with this person as they are now, if they never change?”
